Now Playing Tracks

The story of a soul

"I barely live inside of me".
These would be the exact words that this girl can use to describe herself.
She spends her days stepping in other people’s shoes, Family and few friends or even Tv show characters,
Always trying to understand and analyse their behaviour, their thoughts, their emotions, just to stay away from hers.
But once she’s no longer surrounded by friends or family, and she finds herself all alone in her room past midnight, she gets trapped inside the vicious circle that is her mind.
She can’t step outside of it,
all the thoughts start rushing,
Excessive emotions start flowing,
And the moon rises all the possible doubts inside of her,
Things that she could have been certain of during the day become nothing but a dubious fact at night,
A shadow of paranoia covering up her conscience & her heart.
She’s no longer able to recognize herself.
She can no longer understand herself.
One minute, she interacts with people, she shares, she laughs.
The next minute, her brain shuts off, she gets reluctant, she has a poker face and she’s no longer able to communicate,
Words get heavier and she can no longer get them out of her mouth,
Her jaw clings,
Irritation filling her whole body up.
So is this what an introvert feels like? She wonders.
Such a complicated and an unpleasant feeling.
Or is this some kind of a change she’s going through?
She guesses it is a change after all.
A change that she can neither accept nor tolerate.
She often hears people say that change is a good thing.
But if change is suppose to be good and brings happiness in majority of times, why can she not feel this happiness?
All she can feel is numbness or pain alternatively ravaging her heart and mostly her mental state,
Because she can not accept this change, she can not tolerate it or even show it.
This kind of change makes her wanna hide it, conceal it.
Some people say that we can actually be in control of the change we go through.
And that, if we want to be this person and not that person, well we can make it happen.
But how is this possible? She doesnt feel like she can control any of that.
It feels like someone else is in commande.
Someone else leading her into another path.
Someone else making her feel new emotions.
Someone else making her see things from a different perspective.
Someone else taking control of herself.
Scary feeling, isn’t it?
And yet, the only remedy she found is to escape this reality.
This scaring reality that she did not expect.
This painful reality that she did not choose.
This smothering reality that is making her feel as if she’s wrapped in cellophane,
And she can no longer breathe.
This hurtful reality that is ripping apart her peace of mind.
And yet the only moment that she can get back a glimmer of that peace, is when she’s asleep,
She can finally put the reality behind her and focus on the dream.
In the Dreams, everything gets so real, emotions get so strong.
Like everything can happen.
Anything that she wants deep inside in this reality,
Gets created by her subconscious in the dreams.
And even if this thing is repressed by her surrounding, it does happen anyway.
She’d still go for it and cross the line to reach it, even with guilt.
Because it gives her some sort of a protection and comfort.
A soothing feeling that reality can’t bring her yet.
But then again, prefering to live in the dreams and skipping reality, isn’t the right thing to do obviously.
But the dream world is the only thing she can hold on to.
The only way she can let herself experience new things,
Exciting things.
She has never felt more alive than in her dreams.
Sometimes she even wishes to never let her eyes open again.
Because she doesnt fit in this reality.
It isn’t her place.
But then again, where is her place?
Is it in an imaginary world?

To Tumblr, Love Pixel Union